#125: Frustrated more than anything else...

Another boring Saturday night spent at home. Lately, that's all we seem to do. I happen to be in a family of homebodies. Christina doesn't mind playing in her room, and Michael loves his books. Sarah's doing really well, though she does have a touch of a cold. Robert's mostly on his computer...occasionally spending a few minutes with the kids.

I guess part of my frustration is because I'm always attached to one kid or the other. At least he can get away for 8 hours (usually more) on a weekday and have some adult interaction. Part of it is because I've become the ultimate desperate housewife. Part of it is all the chaos of getting stuff ready and attending meetings for Christina's entry into preschool. Then dealing with Michael's issues...it really doesn't help when I hear mostly pessimistic reports from his teacher. Hello...I KNOW he's done good things, why can't you acknowledge them???

Part of it is frustration over my art. It's hard when your husband controls all the finances, and although he constantly says he's supportive, he sure as hell ISN'T!! Everything had to be cheap, everything has to have a purpose. When you get an allowance of $40 EVERY TWO WEEKS, it doesn't even cover groceries. I'm tired of always having to sacrifice everything...my sanity, my professional career, my health. It really disgusts me when he acts as if he really does help because it's usually done with such ill grace. He's deluding himself...and gets really uncomfortable when I point out otherwise. He keeps telling me that he understands more than most men about what I'm going through...he doesn't really have a single !@!!!!!!!! clue. Oh, and he says, "If you want some mommy time off, all you have to do is ask me." Yeah, and what did I say about the ill grace? And not enough money for even a regular cup of coffee. Hell, I don't have enough money to send a fax to help ensure I get assistance for having two autistic kids!!!

And I don't have to get into the financial situation...it seems that he's been ignoring things and hoping they go away and he's concentrating on HIS own debts, knowing that I have no way of honoring mine because I have no income. It's really easy, when you put your mind to it, to ignoring things that really don't affect YOU personally. I tell him about things I NEED to do concerning my art, he "listens", says "yeah, okay" and promptly forgets about it. Then gets pissed/irritated every time I "remind" him.

I have my writing and my languages. Those seems to be my lifelines, esp. with three kids (2 of them autistic)and a husband with Aspberger's. I still cling to the hope that someday I'll be able to work in some sort of international setting. I'll be 35 next month...this is NOT where I expected to be at this point of my life.

I'm a housewife with dreams. Frustrated dreams, but dreams nevertheless.

Annie

#124: Two months later...

It's been a busy 2 months...

Sarah Zoe Dameron made her appearance on 10/5/08, exactly 5 weeks early. So far, she sems a lot more even tempered than her other two siblings. Christina's showed some curiosity about her sister...she's touched Sarah and wants to play with her. Michael, on the other hand, doesn't much notice.

Christina's due to go to preschool in January, whrn she turns three. I think it'll be good for her, esp. socially-wise. Although she's made great strides speech-wise, she tends to keep more to herself. Michael's doing well in kindergarten---he went on his first field trip on Friday to the fire station and had a GREAT time! :) He loved when the fire trucks sprayed water out its main hose...and since they were close to Charlote-Doulas International, he got to eatch planes too!

I've been playing catch-up with writing, editing, art, etc. Sorry for the infrequent updates, but feeding Sarah every 3 hours leaves me somewhat comatose. (Ha!) Someone asked me if I was doing Nanowrimo this year, and I was like, "I hardly have time to BREATHE!"

More later,
Annie